8 July 2008Celebrities, Features
It’s hard to be on point every minute of the day, especially when you’re a celebrity. Having to do scores and scores of media interviews each year must truly be taxing, and no one is going to nail every question every time. So, it’s understandable when stars slip up. But it’s still pretty funny. Here are some celebrity quotes that will leave you scratching your head and holding your side.
- Jessica Simpson: “Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna but it says Chicken by the Sea.” In 2003, Jessica Simpson uttered the above sentence, which would forever seal her status as a dumb blonde, while being taped for the reality show “The Newlyweds.” At the time, she and her then-husband Nick Lachey were casually eating a bowl of tuna on their living room sofa, when a bewildered Simpson asked him what it was exactly that they were eating. She was confused by the brand name Chicken of the Sea, which, to Simpson, suggested that her dinner could be either chicken or something from the sea. The snafu was major fodder for the press, who couldn’t help but question Simpson about her dimwittedness time and again during subsequent interviews. Instead of feeling embarrassed by it, though, Simpson reveled in the attention, saying she didn’t care if the world thought she was a bimbo – she still honestly couldn’t figure out if it was chicken or fish. She was even invited to the Chicken of the Sea conference so company leaders could help her solve the mystery once and for all.
- Paris Hilton: “What’s Walmart, do they like make walls there?” Yes, Paris. Walmart is a place where they make walls. WTF?!? But it’s not surprising to know that: 1) Hilton said something stupid, and 2) Hilton’s never been inside a Walmart. Fine. We wouldn’t expect the richest, most pampered person on Earth to be either intelligent or relegated to shopping at America’s biggest discount chain. But, c’mon – you’ve never even heard of the biggest store in the world? For a shopaholic like herself, that’s a little embarrassing. But also, what kind of store makes walls anyway? Oh, well, we couldn’t really expect too much else from the woman who was responsible for saying these other gems: “What’s a soup kitchen?” and “I don’t think, I just walk.”
- Brooke Shields: “Smoking kills. And if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” Sage words of wisdom, Brooke. But isn’t it true that when you die you actually lose your whole life and not just part of it? Call me crazy, but I think that is what happens at death. All parts of you and your life stop existing. The end. Next time, try Googling things before you speak and see what happens. The greatest part about this quote from Ms. Shields? She said it while being interviewed to become the spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign. Let’s bet the tobacco giants were crossing their fingers that she would get the job.
- R. Kelly: “All of a sudden you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows what I’m going through.” During R. Kelly’s several-year-long child pornography criminal investigation and trial, he, in a moment of distress, claimed that people were making untrue claims about his guilt without knowing the facts. Then he shockingly stated that the only person who could possibly know what he was going through was Osama bin Laden – the Islamic head of the terrorist group Al Qaeda. R. Kelly – you are on trial for child pornography, not a misdemeanor shoplifting charge. For Pete’s sake don’t make it worse by comparing yourself to the number one enemy of the U.S. and the biggest terrorist on Earth. What lawyer actually let you talk to the press? It’s a wonder a jury managed to find you not guilty.
- Linda Evangelista: “I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.” Ummm, last time we checked, not eating as much as one would like to is the very definition of dieting. It’s like saying, “I’m not anorexic. I just don’t eat.” We know there’s lots of pressure for supermodels to make it look like they’re rail thin naturally, but trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the public with a statement like that is a bit insulting.
- Britney Spears: “I’ve never wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” Damn, the Louisiana public school system really is as bad as they say. First, Spears utters this hand-wringing quote, in which she states that the country of Japan, located in Asia, is actually located on the continent of Africa. On a separate occasion, Spears has also been quoted as saying, “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” We know Spears is more accustomed to looking at blank walls rather than maps of the world, but someone get this girl a Carmen San Diego book STAT! Otherwise, her toddler sons are going to know more about geography at the ages of 3 and 2 than she does at 26.
- Marion Barry: “Outside of the killings, Washington, D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” Marion Barry is the former mayor of Washington, D.C. who was unceremoniously dumped from his post when he was arrested for possession of crack-cocaine while in office, and then later sent to prison for six months. But before this downfall, Barry was not shy about his accomplishments as Mayor, bragging that despite the city’s incredible murder rate there was little other crime to report. So, can we attribute the fewer drug-related arrests during his tenure to the fact that he was diverting law resources away from his dealers? Obviously, a low crime rate is nothing to brag about if your murder rate is second to none in the country. It’s the most serious crime in our penal system.
- Keanu Reeves: “I am a meathead. I can’t help it, man. You’ve got smart people and you’ve got dumb people.” Phew. Well, this one sort of takes the pressure off. Here we all were going around feeling bad about calling Keanu “Excellent” Reeves an idiot behind his back, when it turns out that he’s known it all along! We think this quote has actually elevated Reeves’ cool factor. Just be yourself, buddy.
- Nicole Richie: “When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.” It’s funny, isn’t it, that people with shoes who live in actual houses can also become addicted to drugs? Drug addiction really is the “everyman’s disease” it seems. Because despite the fact that Richie was raised in a nice, big house with loads of money and a closet full of shoes, she still became addicted to heroin, which got her arrested in 2003.
- Christina Aguilera: “So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” Is this a trick question? It seems akin to asking someone, “What year did the War of 1812 take place?” The fact that Aguilera would ask this question is made even funnier by the fact that she has been to Cannes several times. In fact, this is a photo of her at the festival last year. We know she’s blonde, she’s a pop star, and she was on the Mickey Mouse Club at the same time as Britney. But up until this the public had reasonably assumed that she had come through all of that with most of her intelligence intact.
- Dolly Parton: “I love being out here rather than in the big cities. You hardly ever hear of a drive-by shooting from a hay wagon.” Yee haw, Dolly! We couldn’t have said it better ourselves. It’s true that you rarely hear about drive by shootings by way of hay wagons anymore. In fact, you rarely hear about hay wagons at all these days, unless you’re out in the sticks, in which case you have other things to worry about, like Moonshine-fueled murderers armed with a toothpick and a pick ax. But Parton has been a quotable source for many years. Consider these other spot-on observations: “I’m not offended by dumb blonde jokes, because I know I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde” and “I’ve always said if I hadn’t been a woman, then I’d damn sure have been a drag queen.”
- Axl Rose: “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” Poor Axl Rose. Monogamy is hard enough as it is without having to answer to a demanding romantic partner or wife who asks – sorry, requires – that you only have sexual relations with her. I think many people can relate to Rose, here, right? Wrong! What’s great about this quote though is its feigned innocence and the fact that he seems to be seeking sympathy. Welcome to the real world, Axl. Unless you’re dating a porn star, you’re going to find most women seek actual commitment when entering a committed relationship.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” This is one of Arnie’s most famous gaffs, though there have been many others. He clearly just jumbled his words, but it’s pretty funny anyway. If gay marriage should be between a man and a woman, perhaps regular marriage should be between two men or two women?
- Alicia Silverstone: “I think the Clueless movie was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” This confounding statement, which Silverstone made in 2000, won her the “Foot in the Mouth” Award from Britain’s Plain English campaign that same year. The “Foot in the Mouth” Award goes to the person who made “the most baffling verbal statement of the year.” Enough said. Anyone who has seen “Clueless” knows first hand that it is not deep, nor did it come from a deep place. It was an entertaining, airhead comedy that did nothing to further the course of humanity except allow a few weary souls to rest their feet and their minds. Silverstone was obviously clueless herself when making this comment.
- Vanna White: “I never get bored, because there’s always different puzzles, I’m wearing different clothes, there’s different contestants, there’s different prizes.” Who would have thought that the very same reasons people tune in to Wheel of Fortune every night – new puzzles, different people, exciting prizes – are the very things that keep Vanna White on her toes. For 25 years, White has been dutifully walking across the stage, touching light boxes, and turning them to reveal letters that eventually spell words, phrases, places. A lot of people want to know how she keeps doing the same mind-numbing task every night without going bonkers. But apparently the minute changes in scenery are enough to keep her interest fueled to the max.